Emotionally Focused Therapy
You keep having the same fight. Different topics, same pattern. One pursues, one withdraws. Both end up feeling alone. EFT helps couples break these cycles by getting to what's really happening underneath—the fears, the longings, the unspoken needs for connection.
The Science of Love and Bonding
Emotionally Focused Therapy was developed by Dr. Sue Johnson in the 1980s, building on attachment theorty - the science of how humans bond. The core insight is simple but powerful: adults need secure emotional connection just as much as children do. When that connection feels threatened, we react. Sometimes we reach harder (pursue). Sometimes we pull back (withdraw). These responses make sense as self-protection, but they often make things worse.
EFT is one of the most researched couples therapies available. Studies show that 70-75% of couples move from distress to recovery, and 90% show significant improvement. More importantly, the changes tend to last—follow-up studies show couples maintaining their gains years later.
The therapy works by slowing down your interactions, helping you see the pattern you're caught in, and accessing the deeper emotions driving your reactions. When partners can share their vulnerability—their fears of not being enough, of being abandoned, of not mattering—something shifts. The same person who felt like an adversary starts feeling like a teammate again.
Understanding Your Negative Cycle
Every distressed couple has a pattern—a dance they do when things get hard. One common version: Partner A feels disconnected and reaches out, maybe through criticism or complaint. Partner B feels attacked and withdraws, needing space. Partner A sees the withdrawal and feels even more alone, so they pursue harder. Partner B feels more overwhelmed and shuts down further. Both end up hurting. Neither intended this.
The pattern becomes the enemy, not your partner. In EFT, we map out your specific cycle—what triggers it, how each of you responds, what you're feeling underneath the surface reactions. Understanding the cycle is the first step to changing it.
Here's what most couples don't realize: the pursuer and the withdrawer are usually feeling the same thing underneath—fear of losing the relationship, fear of not being enough, longing for connection. They just express it differently. When couples can see this, compassion becomes possible.
How EFT Works: Three Stages
EFT follows a clear path from distress to secure connection. Here's what the journey looks like:
De-escalation
First, we slow things down. We identify your negative cycle and help you see it as the problem—not each other. You start catching the pattern in real-time, which alone brings relief.
We begin accessing the softer emotions underneath the conflict—the fear, hurt, and loneliness that drive the surface reactions. Partners start seeing each other differently.
Restructuring the Bond
This is the heart of EFT. Each partner accesses and shares their deepest attachment fears and needs. The withdrawer learns to engage; the pursuer learns to soften.
We create new bonding experiences right in session—moments where one partner reaches out vulnerably and the other responds. These moments rewire the relationship.
Consolidation
With a more secure bond established, couples find old problems easier to solve. We work on any remaining practical issues from a place of connection rather than conflict.
You leave with tools for maintaining connection and repairing ruptures when they inevitably happen. The cycle may resurface under stress, but now you know how to catch and interrupt it.
The 5 Moves of EFT
In each session, we move through these five steps deepening connection each time.
Reflect Present Process
What's happening within you and between you right now?
Explore Deeper Emotions
Access more primary, vulnerable feelings underneath
Set Up Enactment
Share those feelings directly with your partner
Process the Enactment
How did it feel to say that? To hear it?
Integrate & Validate
New view of self, other, and relationship
Reflect Present Process
What's happening within you and between you right now?
Explore Deeper Emotions
Access more primary, vulnerable feelings underneath the surface reactions
Set Up Enactment
Share those deeper feelings directly with your partner in the moment
Process the Enactment
How did it feel to say that? How did it feel to hear it?
Integrate & Validate
Tie a bow—new view of self, view of other, view of the relationship
When EFT Makes Sense
EFT works for many couples, but it's particularly powerful in these situations:
Recurring Conflicts
You fight about different things but it always feels the same. Dishes become a referendum on respect. A forgotten text becomes proof of not caring. The content changes; the pain doesn't. EFT addresses the pattern, not just the topics.
Emotional Distance
You're roommates, not partners. The fighting may have stopped, but so has the connection. You coexist but don't feel close. EFT helps couples find their way back to emotional intimacy, even after years of distance.
Trust Injuries
Affairs, broken promises, moments when your partner wasn't there when you needed them—these create attachment wounds that don't heal on their own. EFT has specific interventions for processing these injuries and rebuilding trust.
Life Transitions
New baby, job loss, health crisis, kids leaving home. Major changes stress relationships. Couples who felt solid can suddenly struggle. EFT helps you navigate transitions while staying connected.
Cultural & Family Pressures
Navigating different cultural backgrounds, in-law tensions, or conflicting family expectations. These stressors test any relationship. EFT helps couples become a team that can face external pressures together.
Individual Trauma Affecting the Relationship
When one partner's past trauma shows up in the relationship—triggering withdrawal, distrust, or reactivity—EFT can help both partners understand what's happening and respond in ways that heal rather than hurt.
How I Work with Couples
I'm trained in EFT and it's my primary approach for couples work. I find it effective because it gets to the heart of what's actually happening in a relationship—the emotional undercurrents that drive everything else.
I bring cultural awareness to this work. For couples navigating different cultural backgrounds, or those from immigrant families, relationship patterns often intersect with family expectations, cultural values around emotion expression, and intergenerational dynamics. I hold space for these layers.
I work with all kinds of couples—different genders, orientations, relationship structures. What matters is that you both want to understand each other better and are willing to look at your patterns honestly.
EFT in My Practice
I use EFT principles in my work with couples. For individuals, I draw on attachment theory through other approaches.
Many couples therapies focus on communication skills or problem-solving. EFT goes deeper—it's about changing the emotional music of your relationship. We work with the underlying feelings driving your conflicts, not just the surface behaviors. The goal isn't to argue better, it's to feel more securely connected.
